How do you tell someone that they're a chronic fuck-up and their current plan of action is absolutely the wrong idea?
My drummer and good friend has decided to marry a girl he met on Craig's List a month ago. She's got a kid from her previous marriage and from what I've heard, she has a stalker. I guess they're talking about having a kid together, which horrifies me to no end. He proposed the idea to me saying "doesn't the world need more people like us?"
No, not really. I can barely take care of myself some days; there's no room for another chronically depressed agoraphobe with poor hygiene and substance abuse problems.
Anyway: he's my dude, so it's difficult to find a diplomatic way to put it. At the same time, though, he's been increasingly flaky, which is affecting the band, or, more directly, me, personally. I'm alternately pissed and bummed out.
Do I just let it ride out and blow up in his face, or is there some way I can phrase this without sounding like an asshole?
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7 comments:
I say unload on him. don't pull any punches, let him have it. From what I understand of Danny he needs a good foot in the ass. And if it doesnt turn out pretty, his loss. Let him fuck his life up, don't let it effect yours.
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You can't fight emotion with logic. I've studied logic for almost a decade, and the only thing I know for sure is that logic works perfect for machines, but when a person gets an obsessive idea in their head logic doesn't mean shit.
Not knowing the guy, I would still wager that marriage and a kid are his way of trying to find safety and security in a world that really has none. Or maybe even it's a half assed attempt to clean himself up.
The best argument, in my opinion, would be to get him to reflect on why he wants these things, and then try to impart the understanding that attaining these things will not solve the underlying problems - they'll actually create more. He'd be better suited applying himself elsewhere in his life.
I agree (especially with Vagmood!). Sidebar: When did you start caring about sounding like an asshole? Are you wrong? Are you wrong?! Alright then.
Charlie: I've considered it, but when confronted, Danny tends to withdraw and act like a petulant child. I still plan on being blunt about it, but not full-on Kevin's Mom, ya know?
Tron: You've basically summed up most of the more civil thoughts I've had about this situation. Thing is, whenever I've explained the potential consequences of his actions in other dumbass situations, it tends to get thrown out with the bath water. This is not the first time I've had to do this, but it's certainly the most perplexing (and kind of aggravating, honestly).
Doc: I myself was a pacifist once; not in 'Nam of course. Still, your point is at least somewhat valid; sometimes I just gotta be the asshole.
So I guess it's going to be a bit of column a, a bit of column b, really. RED FOREMAN POWERS: ACTIVATE!
Tell him you think it's such a good idea you're going to do it too, you're gonna hit up Craigslist til you find a gal you like and propose to her as soon as possible. If he's a rational human being he'll see how stupid it sounds from an outside perspective.
Claypool: I had considered telling him that my girlfriend and I were going to sleep in separate beds until we got married and then endlessly preach the gospel and attribute everything to god. Which would be a great way to passive aggressively condemn his current status as well as any future mind-blowingly stupid endeavors.
Honestly, thanks to everyone who has responded so far (vagmood included). This whole thing has me in kind of a pickle; on one hand, there's little in this world that encroaches so wholly on my existence that extreme measures need to be taken. On the other, this situation is just fucking stupid, and that would go for anyone who jumped so readily into such a situation. Impeding on anyone's happiness is not my intent, which I hope is obvious, but there are a few elements about it that certainly make this about more than just one man's happiness. Having grown up in situations similar to the one this woman is putting her kid into, I can certainly sympathize with the kid. Being an adult male, I also know the desire to rush into marriage blindly. Having survived both, all of the bullshit is just glaringly apparent to me.
And considering that he flaked out on me again last night, I feel wholly justified in saying exactly what I feel the need to say and then washing my hands of it all. People are prone to make mistakes based on some sort of emotional folly, but to do so willfully is something that simply doesn't sit well with me. If this is his One True Will, so be it, but when the weight of it dawns on him (and eventually crushes his dreams and possibly his ribcage), I won't hesitate to stand at the periphery of the wreckage and say 'I told you so.'
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